...Am I strong enough?...

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Today, from the begining...
I wake up around 6:50, with an intense feeling. (I should've known...) I shrugged off the feeling and had a shower. I went upstairs and had some breakfast and so on. I helped my cousin with a question in her science class.
School was okay. Me and Ella left Chem (we weren't doing anything knew and we're both caught up) to got to the library to study a massive bio test we had. Lunch was eh, late because the line at Quizno's was long and not enough people working, oh well it was worth it. Comp Civ. crawled by as I ignored the new project and studied for this bio test. Bio. It went by smoothly. I realized I understood more of the material then I had thought I did (thank god!).
After school me and Holly headed to Courtnay to get some new clothes for our grad. pics next week. I phone Alicia and tell her I'm gonna be there around 10-11. After shopping we decided to have dinner with a friend who moved there a couple of years ago.
It's about 9 and we had just entered town. Instead of dropping her off she asked if we could go to the bank. okay. Then she asked if we could go to the falls. It's raining but I said sure... for a few minutes. After 10 minutes of standing in the rain she looked over at me and..
H: "Brock, can I tell you something? I haven't even told D. yet (her bf)"
Me: I'm thinking oh god shes pregnant! I know she wants kids, but not yet. >.< "You can tell me anything holly."
H: "Brock...My mom...The doctors think she might have stomach cancer..." WHAT!? NO!!!
Now hollys mom had been like a second mother to me when we used to live in the same neighborhood. I broke down. I couldn't help but cry. I don't remember it, but I pretty much fell. Cause the next thing I knew it I was sitting down staring into the water.
H: "I don't think I've acknowledged it yet. It's not for sure, but the doctors think it's very likely." It's been 10 minutes and I haven't said anything. What do I say?... I don't think I could watch Holly go through that. Or her sister... At 10 we left and I told her I'd call her later this weekend. I came home and my family asked what was wrong. I looked at them and felt anger. I don't know why but I did. I grabbed the flowers that were on the dinning room table and left. I spent the next hour at the cemetery... It's been a long time since I've been there.... I came home eventually and had to shut out my family. I'll tell my gram in the morning, but right now I just can't...
I got a phone call not to long ago from J. He asked where I was. I made some lame excuse. he said he wished he could come see me then but he had been drinking earlier so couldnt. He said if he could find a driver that he would... I don't know if I want him to. I don't think I'm ready to unload on him like that. But honestly? I want nothing more then for him to come. Maybe we could go to his house? That way I could just stay the night... it would deffinitely be comforting to just lay there with him for the rest of the night. Bah...
Here's to hopes, keep your fingers crossed...
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Gay Sex

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Gay Sex
i just want to attempt to clarify in my last post when i spoke about how being, "gay" seems to be only about sex. i know sex is also apart of being "straight" as well, but i feel like in terms of the focus it's often times not given as much focus as i feel that the gay community gives to sex. now this is an opinion and i know that people can start naming t.v. shows, music videos, magazine covers celebrities, etc. but in general when i speak with my friends (ordinary people leading ordinary lives) they also enjoy sex equally as much but they don't have to announce it and flaunt it.

for instance at my part time job i had an assistant manager that was gay. some nights during closing when there were no customers in the store he would talk about his past "conquest" and other guys he would hook up with in a second "if" he was not in a relationship. i have witnessed similar conversations before from different people. now when i close with any other manager, male or female, they rarely mention hooking up or their sexual life.

it's not that they don't do it, or that they don't have a sex life. i just don't think it's as much a focus of their social conversations and meetings. yet when i have been on dates or in groups of gay guys sex always comes up as a topic of discussion.

on outpersonals i can completely understand that. wile eating Chinese food at a Chinese restaurant to break from studying from finals. im not so sure.

when i get mail from gay companies they tend to center around sex, unless it's perhaps something talking about human rights or aids. book clubs, cd clubs, websites, t.v. shows, gay artist, parades, gay day at Disney, gay this gay that. even my co-workers have remarked that to them it seems as if "gay" guys tend to be extremely promiscuous and it seems to be a norm not an occasional occurrence.

all i am saying is sex is great but so is the rest of life!

why can't i seem to find someone that is interested in sex and life outside of the sheets?

i have other interest besides sex, like yoga, health, politics, environmental concerns, world poverty, religion, philosophy, meditation, ayurveda, starting a family, designing a home, ending all suffering and sadness in the world, natural beauty, addressing self esteem issues in our society, etc. there are many many many more. yet so far i have only found people who say they have an interest in these things but all they really want is sex. "let's be friends" now either means, "let's fuck without strings" or "I'm not really interested in you".

"I love you" seems to mean, " I love fucking you on a regular basis, and having you as my boyfriend makes me look good to others" or "I actually love you" (rare even in the straight world).

i guess now i am a hypocrite because i am blogging on a hookup site for gay men!

i guess i just have to find away to mentally wrap my mind around what it means to be "gay" otherwise I might just resign to being a male who is interested in developing a relationship in other men. rather than being "gay" which is now all about being cool, hot, and having great sex until you find the ONE.

Don't take any of this to seriously, because i am liable to wake up tomorrow horny and anxious to jump someone and i will forget about these thoughts until my emotions start getting entangled in my physical entanglements.

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