Thursday, January 10, 2008

I had never seen them like this before.

I had met a doctor through some friends that was going to blow is wod on a pool party that surpassed all pool parties in the summer of Atlanta. There must have been 300 people there. His house was as big as a bed and breakfast inn. Full of boys. I remember thinking “wow these are the A list of guys here in Atlanta they are all gorgeous. The Doctor made his Grand entrance down his three story staircase with MOOMOO land playing lol and an entourage of young boys followed all wearing g stings for suits. It was set up to look so glamorous.

OMG it was Ira and Lowe, they were twins that lived down the street from me, both 17 or 18 and as always HOT as ever. I had never seen them like this before. Usually it was tossing ball in the front yard – now they were nude and on some unusual high.

Pissing off many rubbed down dudes I made my way to them as they snuck off into some back room – I followed. “Do a line and get naked” – was what one dude shouted. I had been to enough college parties that this country boy knew what this was about. Wow how Ira looked so glossy eyed. He hugged me and would not let go – I remember him saying, “Kole I am not like this – don’t tell my mother” and Lowe feeling my shorts up for some money in my pockets laughing all along. Without participating in the white ritual of that room I exited with Ira under arm. I remember he cried and cried that he wanted to stop using drugs and that Lowe talked him into this party.

A nice smooth tan, the whitest teeth and blue eyes that lit up a room he seemed to enjoy it when guys would pass by and slap is bubble butt – he went on to tell me that his parents were getting a divorce and that his father encouraged him. Appalled I began to hurt for him. He told me that his mother was addicted to heroin and could not stop. (amazing that one NEVER knows how hard drugs can hit any family – in the country or the upper middle class of Atlanta). Here were, what looked like 2 high school jocks, on the ball team, heavy hitters, going to crash with their family torn.

Men were sticking money in Ira’s swimming suit and Ira would let them see his dick for $20 or more. It was more than I was ready for – I remember thinking “this is my last pool party” – I gathered my roommate and left – but not before asking Ira and Lowe could I take them home. Both said they could not go home until they got enough for the rent. I had never even entertained the idea of anything like this happening close to me in my life… I had no “point of reference” no answers to help him or to know what to do for him and his brother. I just wanted to get OUT of that party so I did like a bolt of lightening.

Days turned into weeks – I went by their house it looked trashed. I stopped and knocked on the door – no one answered. I wondered many times “what should I do” – soon on the drive from work I saw the house empty – Ira and Lowe and their parents gone. Until this past June Graduation I saw another kid from the neighborhood who told me this; “Ira’s mom OD’d on heroin – they found her in the bedroom floor. Ira, Lowe, their sister and father moved into a “pay as you go hotel” – their father died of a heart attack just last week. Then Ira and Lowe went to the streets to make a living, “Did you know his father made him do that?. They lived on the street for about a year. They just found Ira dead last month – he died of a heroin overdose too”. No words here can describe my remorse...none.

This has been on my mind all summer. Ira was a good kid. He tried to protect his brother but couldn’t for Lowe was a hand full – Ira told me he was gay or rather that he himself liked men and wanted to “hook up” with me – I was so amazed at the pool party that I could not answer that statement. I really did not want any contact with them after that party. Yet I wanted to help.

I have wondered all summer. Where can boys go with problems like that instead of the streets? They are gay; the Salvation Army will not take them. I wish I was more prepared – I wish I would have responded different to what I saw. Perhaps more active.
I wish I would have known what to do... I wish.

My question here would be to gain insight from you. What can we do for these youngsters. Where can they go? If not the Salvation Army then where? Could we band together and make this a priority to point them in some direction?

Saturday, January 20, 2007

...Am I strong enough?...


Today, from the begining...
I wake up around 6:50, with an intense feeling. (I should've known...) I shrugged off the feeling and had a shower. I went upstairs and had some breakfast and so on. I helped my cousin with a question in her science class.
School was okay. Me and Ella left Chem (we weren't doing anything knew and we're both caught up) to got to the library to study a massive bio test we had. Lunch was eh, late because the line at Quizno's was long and not enough people working, oh well it was worth it. Comp Civ. crawled by as I ignored the new project and studied for this bio test. Bio. It went by smoothly. I realized I understood more of the material then I had thought I did (thank god!).
After school me and Holly headed to Courtnay to get some new clothes for our grad. pics next week. I phone Alicia and tell her I'm gonna be there around 10-11. After shopping we decided to have dinner with a friend who moved there a couple of years ago.
It's about 9 and we had just entered town. Instead of dropping her off she asked if we could go to the bank. okay. Then she asked if we could go to the falls. It's raining but I said sure... for a few minutes. After 10 minutes of standing in the rain she looked over at me and..
H: "Brock, can I tell you something? I haven't even told D. yet (her bf)"
Me: I'm thinking oh god shes pregnant! I know she wants kids, but not yet. >.< "You can tell me anything holly."
H: "Brock...My mom...The doctors think she might have stomach cancer..." WHAT!? NO!!!
Now hollys mom had been like a second mother to me when we used to live in the same neighborhood. I broke down. I couldn't help but cry. I don't remember it, but I pretty much fell. Cause the next thing I knew it I was sitting down staring into the water.
H: "I don't think I've acknowledged it yet. It's not for sure, but the doctors think it's very likely." It's been 10 minutes and I haven't said anything. What do I say?... I don't think I could watch Holly go through that. Or her sister... At 10 we left and I told her I'd call her later this weekend. I came home and my family asked what was wrong. I looked at them and felt anger. I don't know why but I did. I grabbed the flowers that were on the dinning room table and left. I spent the next hour at the cemetery... It's been a long time since I've been there.... I came home eventually and had to shut out my family. I'll tell my gram in the morning, but right now I just can't...
I got a phone call not to long ago from J. He asked where I was. I made some lame excuse. he said he wished he could come see me then but he had been drinking earlier so couldnt. He said if he could find a driver that he would... I don't know if I want him to. I don't think I'm ready to unload on him like that. But honestly? I want nothing more then for him to come. Maybe we could go to his house? That way I could just stay the night... it would deffinitely be comforting to just lay there with him for the rest of the night. Bah...
Here's to hopes, keep your fingers crossed...
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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Gay Sex



Gay Sex
i just want to attempt to clarify in my last post when i spoke about how being, "gay" seems to be only about sex. i know sex is also apart of being "straight" as well, but i feel like in terms of the focus it's often times not given as much focus as i feel that the gay community gives to sex. now this is an opinion and i know that people can start naming t.v. shows, music videos, magazine covers celebrities, etc. but in general when i speak with my friends (ordinary people leading ordinary lives) they also enjoy sex equally as much but they don't have to announce it and flaunt it.

for instance at my part time job i had an assistant manager that was gay. some nights during closing when there were no customers in the store he would talk about his past "conquest" and other guys he would hook up with in a second "if" he was not in a relationship. i have witnessed similar conversations before from different people. now when i close with any other manager, male or female, they rarely mention hooking up or their sexual life.

it's not that they don't do it, or that they don't have a sex life. i just don't think it's as much a focus of their social conversations and meetings. yet when i have been on dates or in groups of gay guys sex always comes up as a topic of discussion.

on outpersonals i can completely understand that. wile eating Chinese food at a Chinese restaurant to break from studying from finals. im not so sure.

when i get mail from gay companies they tend to center around sex, unless it's perhaps something talking about human rights or aids. book clubs, cd clubs, websites, t.v. shows, gay artist, parades, gay day at Disney, gay this gay that. even my co-workers have remarked that to them it seems as if "gay" guys tend to be extremely promiscuous and it seems to be a norm not an occasional occurrence.

all i am saying is sex is great but so is the rest of life!

why can't i seem to find someone that is interested in sex and life outside of the sheets?

i have other interest besides sex, like yoga, health, politics, environmental concerns, world poverty, religion, philosophy, meditation, ayurveda, starting a family, designing a home, ending all suffering and sadness in the world, natural beauty, addressing self esteem issues in our society, etc. there are many many many more. yet so far i have only found people who say they have an interest in these things but all they really want is sex. "let's be friends" now either means, "let's fuck without strings" or "I'm not really interested in you".

"I love you" seems to mean, " I love fucking you on a regular basis, and having you as my boyfriend makes me look good to others" or "I actually love you" (rare even in the straight world).

i guess now i am a hypocrite because i am blogging on a hookup site for gay men!

i guess i just have to find away to mentally wrap my mind around what it means to be "gay" otherwise I might just resign to being a male who is interested in developing a relationship in other men. rather than being "gay" which is now all about being cool, hot, and having great sex until you find the ONE.

Don't take any of this to seriously, because i am liable to wake up tomorrow horny and anxious to jump someone and i will forget about these thoughts until my emotions start getting entangled in my physical entanglements.


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Sunday, November 19, 2006

Middle of the nite ramblings from home


Got next week off for Thanksgiving and Im back at home. Yeh I know real world working ppl dont get a whole week off. Sorry bout that lol.

My dad is proud of me. I promised him a 4 pt average for my 1st semester and its gonna happen. He thinks thats important. I guess it is. Gosh Im smart haha. Or maybe its that I dont have a life hmmm. Now if I could just do something bout that "gay" and "Democrat" thing Id be the perfect son haha.

My mom is happy Im home. She keeps asking-- how come you dont come home on the weekends? I dont really know the answer to that. Mostly being home makes me feel sad, but not now because Im pretty happy.

Wow this is a dumb blog haha. Hey its the middle of the nite dont expect great thots ok? Cant sleep.

When I come home I feel like Ive gone thru some kind of time warp and Im back at a place I left behind, and that Im glad I left it behind. I dont mean my family, I just mean the life I lived here. My senior year in HS I read Thomas Wolfe "You Cant Go Home Again". Its one of those books that I dont think anybody except HS students read anymore lol. And at the time I read it I didn't understand it, but I do now. This place is only about 100 miles from C'ville but it feels like Mars. But really it hasnt changed, I have.

I remember the first time I found this place--OP--late one night playing around on porn sites. (Yes I know, youre SHOCKED!! haha)
I was totally in the closet and wow, all of a sudden I found real live cyber-gay ppl. Feels like a million years ago. By the way the pic I put up here is the 1st pic I used on my profile. And um...yeh. Young huh?

And my mom seems old. When did that happen?

Kristin is coming down from Boston tomorrow and Im pretty excited about that. My brother has trashed my old room above the garage. He hasnt changed at all and Im sort of worried bout him. He doesnt seem to care about anything. I dont understand him at all. Hes angry at something but I dont know what.

I went to see Humphrey's grave, I buried him in the back yard under a tree he used to like to climb. Nobody ever loved me like Hunphrey loved me. Thats not a joke by the way.

I hope all you guys have a great Thanksgiving.

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Friday, November 03, 2006

Now what to?


I arranged my clothes for different days, I was feeling depressed and undressed like before. Same striped yellow half sleeved shirt worn for three days with charcoal black trousers with white sporty socks. That he did not come around today right there when I called him...like negative thing again, I drove back down the lane!
He had something else in his mind better did not find out. I strolled into the bit too early morning walk for two minutes for I again hurried back!
Though I am wasting no time to get back to my friends, getting their advice down to the last details as what to say and how to utter a word as last resort to my lustful life, I am not worried at all as I love my own things, the fact many people are too eager to to roll in me their unnnecessary advice!
I don't have to look back, rather I would be looking forward to things in life I am sticking to so I love. I am dreaming I would be out in some distant land where no people with fucked up sense prevail!
So I have to be lesser of evil myself in full glare...!
As I blog this I flip out memories held in a closed compartment... I ruffle my hair and feel that emptiness reflected in the mirrored glazing...I have built some castles in the air!
Here is one from the past blogs unearthed about the shrine in the forest I was talking about...(damned.. taking too long to that page)

"I opted for this figure in the forest, knowing his well-defined object. Loose Clothes... Horn Penetrates... Only he occupied the place beside I provided the homelike seat. And considered options whether to freeze reclining on the place or a natural penetration of horn were to manifest. In the woods it was inspiring to watch as he advanced and remained held together; draped with loose wears torn up at places with the brushing of thorny bushes. Curves In Body Mass... The zealous figure wore contrasting looks as he rode over me. Playing hide and seek with curves in body mass, exploring the robust muscles, clasping hands in show of mock strength manifested the bonding further. Wish It Stayed There... His hands next to the skin, holding and patting lightly, roughed out in the sand. The bodies glistened white on the ground. Exhausted, He Returned...Only A Dream ...Once floored down one never thought to return as I was obsessed with merriment.Loss To Life I kept away from .. as long as indulgent in the figure, sneaked into their settlement and compromised in the most awful positions. Almost Vulnerable The young in
unassuming clothes took me as
I kept fluffiness in the body to merge gently and purposefully."

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Monday, October 30, 2006

The free and single life.....


Today marks my second year as a single man. I've had a few flings and one or two serious offers since my lover of ten years walked out on me. I'm a little older and a little wiser now, unfortunatly a little colder and less trusting.

I must admitt I don't miss my ex, but I do miss the bond we shared, the morning conversations over coffee, even our political differances. Working on projects together...I did Love him!

I really don't think I'm cut out for the single life! However, I put on my best game face, and immerse myself in my circle of friends, activities, and job. But I still feel a cold emptness inside.

I tell myself that time heals all, and that that one special guy is out there, and that we just have to find one another...I hope I'm not lying to myself!

I have so much to be thankful for, and yet here I sit crying in my coffee!!!
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Monday, October 23, 2006

Questioning my Homosexuality!


It was weird enough for me to feel this attraction for men for a long time, to the point of joining this site to explore my sexuality. After some questions in the magazine advise line I got to think that I am bisexual, but things started to change again some time ago.

Now I’m having this weirdest feeling of questioning my homosexuality!

I’ll try to explain a little bit. If I see a picture of a beautiful naked woman I get aroused immediately, If I see a picture of a beautiful male body I get aroused immediately. If I see a picture of a fat, ugly person, woman or man, I don’t get aroused at all!

In my mind I feel that I can fall in love with a woman, but can only become very close friend with a man, even if we share sex. So, with a woman I feel that I can have just sex, and also have love and sex, but with a man I feel that I can have sex and friendship, but not fall in love, like with a woman.

I love touching, kissing and sweet contact with my sex partner. I have been in a sexless relationship for so many years in my marriage, so I believe that my attraction for men is just the lack of sex with women. Is that possible? Do men get interested in other men sexually when they don’t get sex with women?

I am not having sex with women for a long time, but still after a couple of month of friendship with sex with a man, I’m starting to loose interest in the sexual part with him, and just wanting to keep the friendship.

Is this just an experimenting stage where the desire for sex with a man was only a desire generated by the lack of sex with women, and once fulfilled with a man, the interest for men dilute itself?

When I see a smooth male body my mind race to think and imagine sweet kissing and touching that body, that back, butt and legs, with the softest kisses I could give, but cannot think of penetrating that body unless is a very girly guy!

When I see a handsome guy with a hairy chest my mind race to think and imagine touching and kissing that hairy chest and cuddling to his side, feeling his warmth and protection from the world, and then being penetrated by this guy and me giving up myself to this man, but I’ve tried having a cock in my ass and just doesn’t feel good, (it feels like I’m defecating!) only being touched and kisses in all my body gets me crazy! I really enjoy feeling a cock in my butt, but not inside me! I don’t understand!

When I suck a cock, some times it feels so arousing, and some others it feels like I’m sucking a piece of rubber! Even if it is with the same man in different times.

Anybody have an idea what’s going on? Why some days I am so attracted to men, and some others just can’t feel aroused by them?, but with women I’m always attracted to them?

Am I a “part time bisexual”? if such thing does exist!, or it’s just the lack of sex, and as soon as I found a regular female sexual partner all my attraction to men will dissipate?
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Monday, October 16, 2006

Living life!!

Hi there, okay well this is about the first time in my life that i am about to share anything so personal with the whole world.

As far as i can remember i guess 5 years old, i always watched guys, wherever it was, t.v., mag's, anything just to get a glimpse of a guy, i never knew exactly what was wrong with me at that time in my life, but loved to see hot guys dripping with sweat all-over.

I was a really horny little boy, i used to experiment with my guy friends to see how it would feel to touch eachother, you know?? But never doing the other things....
then as i got older i noticed that i was even more attracted to guys, but i was so scared to come outa the closet it scared the tommy knockers outa me! but then one day when i turned 21 i finally came out with it in a good old fashioned manner, sat down over a cuppa and told mum, she was very dissp, coz apparently i'm very good looking and my kids woulda turned out stunning, as they say.... but i still wanna have kids, i love children..

I got my 1st boy-friend when i was 21yrs, and he was nice, but i guess two scorpio's didn't work out, i was the very gentle and caring one he was the sinnister one
as i got into this life i realised that how painful it can be, i discovered after much heart break and endless nights of agony in this pain, that there is no loyaly, i sometimes thought to myself that gay guys, are like... sumtimes incoherent, never satisfied, always chasing the next man in a (skirt- to endevour his new conquest to keep him satisfied, is this true???

I am so scared to get involved again, for the fear of what i mentioned above, i know life isn't fair, nothing is, but i guess that's why were put here, life is a challenge and i guess if your not strong enough you won't survive, you have to be strong for this earth, but how strong does one have to be? Do you get to a point that you get so strong that sometimes it's even difficult to see when love comes your way?

Sunday, October 15, 2006

Loving Life

When I was five years old I was really sick, had seizures that looked like epilepsy, and had hallucinations produced by high fever. I remember my mother seated in my bed holding my hand, worried. It was about two in the morning and after the seizures I felt really tired, needing some sleep, but I was afraid! I thought that if I went to sleep I’ll never wake up again, I thought I was going to die!

An adult would know that everything would be alright, but as a child I was afraid, I didn’t want to die! I remember thinking of all the things that I would loose to do and experience in life, so wanted to stay awake to avoid dieing that night. I was really tired, my eyes tended to close and I was fighting to keep them open, until finally lost the battle!

Next day I woke up feeling a lot better physically, no pain in my body, breathing easier, no fever. I remember the feeling of joy realizing I didn’t die the night before, knowing that I would remain alive for a longer time to enjoy so many things I thought I would loose. That was one of the happiest days in my life!

Now, while remembering, I realize how silly it was, but also remember how traumatic that experience was at the age of five. Maybe that’s why I’ve always been thankful to be alive, to have the chance to experience so many things, good and bad, happy and sad, boring and scaring, that life has to offer everyday.

I won’t lie to you, many times throughout my life I’ve thought that life sucks, but also as many times I’ve remembered that day when I was five, and felt thankful for just being alive, for always having another chance, another shot to getting things better in the future.

Some time ago I read somewhere that life is not about feeling safe and secured, but to experiencing so many wonderful things that life has to offer, so right before we die we can look back at our lives and say: “WHAT A RIDE!!!"

Friday, October 13, 2006

CALL ME CRAZY ??

Wed 10/10/06 a day that would go down in Emphemia ?? It started much as any other day,A cup of coffee , a smoke ,check e-mails and start the day. Being Wednesday are typically slow!! The early week rush of activity over and the head long run for the weekend just to begin.So with thing running as smoothly as possible my thoughts ,with my esoteric style , turn to organizing and planning my occasional Group Party for wayward BIOS which I host. I began by sending IM's and e-mails to a bevy of hotties that have had an extremely active interest in such encounters in the resent past. The chatting and e-mails revealed a frenzy of more than a passing desire of such an event An intense desire to jack off , B/J and generally fuck our collective brains out (if we had had any left ) The where and the why ( THE HORNY FUCKER WE ARE )were easy . What we were going to do to one another was long and ssiizzzzlin' hot that it created my enormous bugle to jump to an erect position and demand immediate attention which I was forced to do again and again The steamin' hot cream was spewed every where. But then the all elusive when arrived upon the scene !! This one can on this date but not this date this guy has to check his schedule U know the usual stuff , but yet manageable You'd think ?? RIGHT Then it came to me put out a general call for party attendee candidates and host 2 more may more events !! So I posted . The immediate response was to say the at every least over whelming Yet again the conversation became so erotically intense and sizzzlin' hot that a local hottie and I arranged an immediate resolution . AN impromptu fuck feast asap . While driving to this encounter the anticipated Ecstasy or the erotic pleasure to cum lead me to relieve myself once more. Upon travail my anticipation ot temptation was further aroused by the intensity and force of our embrace one another Kissing , grouping ,tearing at clothing shirts flying pants dropping Cocks rising Push and pulling toward the the bedroom with massive rock hard cocks throbbing with lustful desire to explode. WE wrestled each other on to the family work bench with relative ease. Rimming face fucking each other with passionate intensity which eventually caused an explosion of that steamy sizzzlin' hot fuck juice that engulfed our faces .chests bellies , which was gently massaged into our woolie pubic region and freshly shaved balls The erotic thrusting and repositioning allowed me the simply gratifying position to be able to penetrate his perfectly formed bubble butt and up that quivering hole Then it happened as if from no where . I glanced at the picture on the wall over the martial bed 2 children A boy 'bout 12 a girl 'bout 9 and the MRS. The glance became a stare My pounding heart immediately skipped a beat The blood that engorged that throbbing member squashed between those pulsating cheeks rushed directly to my feet, As you may well imagine the once completely inflamed highly aroused hunk of desire in split second became a soft mushy jello like substance which I had never scene before . A puddle in my cum saturated pubic hair To my shock and total amazement all erotic efforts to revive ,with mouth to cock,this normally easily aroused instrument of constant please failed miserably Was it over worked?? Fucked out ?? Did it die ?? Was it permanently disabled ?? Or could it be something deeper that peeper's ability to perform the task at hand ?? Some how was I responsible because I had so skillfully encouraged this total hot stud, devoted husband and father to violate a trust ?? Did I care ?? Was he that devoted ??I made my feeble apologies While stowing that gelatinous mess away and returned to my world with all these questions unanswered . Although this experience was demoralizing . if the same situation would arise would I engage in this erotic frenzy again ?? You beat your sweet ass I would and hope for a out come CRAZY WHAT ??

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Torn

Monday, October 09, 2006

Dear the rest of the WORLD.............

I want to extand my heartfelt APOLOGIES for the BEHAVIOR Of THE UNITED STATES.I'm sorry for all the wars,pollution,and idealogy, our country has pushed on the rest of the world. Our motives are driven by profit,greed,and POWER.We started on the wrong foot; Non-native americans claimed discovery of this land, killed and displaced native americans, we broke treaties, and ENSLAVED people from other countries.
We're a small part of the world, but we consume most of the world's resources.I'm sorry that our cars and factories that have contributed so much to the hole in the ozone and to global warming.We also have a serious probles with RACISM,SEXISM,CALSS DIVISION,VIOLENCE,HEALTH CARE, POVERTY, HOMELESSNESS,AND CRIME.Before we tell other people how to live we need to clean up our own act.
Sorry for the useless plastic trinkets endlessly generated for our amusement.It is especially shitty that we employ little children in SWEATSHOPS around the world to produce forgettable GARBAGE to sell back to our children-perpetuating our own unhealthy lifestyle of mindless accumulation and overindulgence.
I'm sorry for Hollywood. It glorifies MATERIALISM,SUPERFICIALNESS, AND PREJUDICE. Sorry for T.V that is known to have bad long-term social and psychological effects.I'm sorry for fast food is causing alot of modern health problems.We like to push DEMOCRACY on the rest of the world,but we don;t even live in a democracy.We live in a nation were the popular vote is ignorned for the electoral vote( i don't vote).Am sorry for NUCLEAR WEAPONS (which we invented and first used for mass killing).I'm sorry for NUCLEAR WASTE for it stays toxic for over 10,000 years somebody,some day, will be dealing with radioactive problems and it won't be us. Am especialy sorry ABOUT the MULLET HAIR it's UGLY

Yep, Im in for the night mom, just doing some reading...

And so went the conversation I just had with my mom on the phone.

And as I said to her and then my dad,

"Aren't all self respecting college students stowed away in their rooms doing home work and preparing for the upcoming week of academic endeavors? Geeez!"

My mom gets pissed at my sarcasm and my dad laughs.

Anyway, I am in my room. Im not studying though. I did enough of that today. To tell you about it....

Went out with Justin an dhad a ham and eggs breakfast and then took a walk with him and talked and messed around. The weather here today was awesome. It was sunny and hit around 72 degrees so I took advantage and studied outside. The sun always feels invigorating and sitting outside enables me to check out any male students who are out walking, studying, or just goofing off. Today there were plenty of them for sure but I still managed to get a lot done.

When I had had enough I went up to see what Justin was up to and he was working on a paper for his science class. Looks like he is going to lose his roomie. Justin said he thinks he is dropping out and going back home. He heard him talking to his parents about it last night, but the guy hasn't said anything to Justin as of yet.
Though Justin didn't officially mention it I had a sense that he was hinting about that opening the up a vacancy there. It didn't become a conversation so I left it alone. Not that i wouldn't like rooming with Justin. Afterall, we get along great. The problem would be me. I like him an awful lot and don't think I could be around him in those circumstances without wanting to show him how much I like him. Just could be dangerous waters, sharing a room like that, getting undressed every night around him. Damn, bet the first decorating I would want to do, would be to go out and get a Marktha curtain lol.

Caleb worked this afternoon but did manage to call me 2 times to say hi. He got off work at 5PM so I went over and saw him then. Since he had studies to get done I didn't stay but an hour. And since he looked kind of whacked I helped him get out of his work clothes by making him sit in a chair so I could take his shoes off for him and massage his feet. Afterall, the guy was on then from noon. While I was rubbing his feet and taking off his socks he was nice enough to show me how much he liked how it felt (it was his first foot massage) by undoing his belt and unzipping his pants to show me that my foot massage was making him hard. I offered to massage his dick for him to lol and he said it sounded ok by him if he was going to get to massage mine for me. So we undressed each other and made out a little before ending up 69ing. He has a hot cock. He tried deep throating me again but gagged again. So he is done trying to do that he said. I managed to get all of his in my mouth and gagaed some to but not enough to stop me from continuing to suck him. We ended up with me sucking him off and him jacking me all over his face and chest. Then we layed there and kust talked. He has been topped but not by a dick the size of mine. I told him there are lots of things to do without doing that and he said he wants to do that sometime soon. I told him I could dig doing it to him and feeling him in me.
We layed and cuddled and talked about the week coming up and then I got cleaned up and came back to my dorm room so he could get some studying done.
And so, Yes mom I am here in my room where a parent would expect me to be.

Dreams:
I don't dream much, or at least I don't remember them often. I do have, or should I say used to have, wet dreams but not much anymore. This last week I have had dreams about Justin 3 times. None of them were wet ones but 2 times I woke up and had a raging wood going. They probably would have been wet if I didn't have Mark as a roomie lol.

11:10 and time to hit the sack. No Mark here yet so I might just go to bed and actually go to sleep.

Night &

Peace

Saturday, October 07, 2006

I cant stop feeling sorry for ppl

I have come to a conclusion in life. Atleast that fits for my life. Feeling sorry for people is a curse. I must say that I feel sorry for everyone that has a hard time in life. When my buddy told me about his familyproblems. I just couldnt stop ffeling sorry for the guy, thinking what I could do for him. So I spend most of my time thinking of what tod do for him. So I decide to buy him dinner, just to be nice.

We eat and al that and then he asks me why I baught him dinner. Well the answer should be obvious, to me atleast, but I just cant get it out of me. So he gets the answer.
-well I didnt have anything better to do.
What I wanted to say.
-I love you and its sort of a I feel sorry for your family problems dinner, or something.

And in other cases I just cant seem to give up the thaught of how I can help people. It is realy a curse cause somethimes I cant sleep, I cant eat, actualy I cant do shit just cause I think about how I can help people.

I dont know if this is realy normal or something but I cant get it out of my head how sorry I feel for people.

Sometimes I would realy cheese to be stone hard, and realy cold, when it comes to feeling sorry.

This one time I was at boxing practice and this girl, a realy good boxer, and I sparr a few rounds. And she hits me rather hard, adn since im not a pussy I hit her back. She starts to cry and al that shit. I tell her im sorry and gives her a hug and we walk away.

The next few days I just cant seem to stop thinking about ho sorry I am for hitting her, ok it was boxing but still. I hit a woman, and to me that is not okay. I realy walk around feeling down for three days untill next practice, Then she walks in to the gym with a black eye. OMG is the first thaught that comes to mind. I feel even more sorry, untill I find out she had been in a fight with another girl and then got the black eye. It wasnt my fault but I still couldnt stop feeling sorry for the girl.

I mean realy is it normal to feel sorry for people for so long.

And actualy I can feel enger against people for years untill I drop it. So perhaps its just a person to person thing.

I like blogs, but...

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If you like tales

Here's something I found along the way...hope it helps??

Once upon a time two brothers who lived on adjoining farms fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a hitch.

Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.

One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's toolbox. "I'm looking for a few days work" he said. "Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help with? Could I help you?"

"Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you. Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor, in fact, it's my younger brother. Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll go him one better. See that pile of lumber by the barn? I want you to build me a fence--an 8-foot fence--so I won't need to see his place or his face anymore."

The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you."

The older brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day. The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing.

About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job. The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all. It was a bridge--a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work handrails and all--and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming across, his hand outstretched.

"You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done." The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other's hand. They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox on his shoulder.

"No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.

"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, "but, I have many more bridges to build."

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